Monday, October 20, 2008

everyone here says the letter H like "hate-ch"

i have to throw off this melancholy. this doubt. it won't be helpful in the days, weeks ahead. no. i must reject such feelings. yes, i miss my family. i love them..i miss my friends...i miss the familiarity of things, even those i hate, back home. but here i am. london. ready to move to barcelona. let me take this step. let me grow, let me be sad that im gone and that certainly the life i left behind is moving on without me. people may or may not still be where i left them..more often than not, they'll have vacated the place i left them in. i question the wisdom of this decision. i wonder how soon i will crack and beg to go home. a part of me wants to already. i know i can't. i haven't even seen the city of barcelona, havent even made contact with that mystical city. let me touch it, feel it, breathe it in. perhaps then my mind will change. my agitation and feelings of loneliness and discontentment will subside.

i had begun to spin in a poision cesspool at home. doing the same things. listening to the same arguments. lost in bitterness, routine, mundane motions. so now i've dared to dream. i've been bold enough to do something not many people in my position would've done. i never expected any great reward for doing so though. i must work. maybe once im working i'll be more at ease. i'll feel more fulfilled.

now im too idle. too free to dally and overthink. i miss feeling close to someone. i miss having someone understand me, hold me, know me, comfort me. i've made friends here, but i'll leave them soon. i thought i'd made a deep connection with one person, but that was fool's gold. perhaps i'm jaded by that. stunned by the impact of that. thinking i had found something to be my anchor, to keep me in touch with that feeling of home, only to be let down and let go so suddenly. it was too enticing to not grasp hold of, though i know i shouldnt have. and although i only did so for a moment...still it was foolish. it gave me a false sense of security, even for those seconds i believed in it. i felt yes...i have my cake and i can eat it too. i am away from home, in a new place, but here ive found home in you. a little slice of it at least. well now i have no slice left whatever. the giving and taking back of it has made my longing for home greater than it might've been otherwise. in fact, i would never have anticipated id feel the desire for things back home the way i do now until much later. i've had great fun here in london. but the fun doesn't mask the loss, the absence of the things i know and love, and the people so many times more than the things of course.

but so often, i feel in myself, that this needed to be done. good will come of this. i will learn from this. please just be strong and be brave, be smart and be aware. be open, but be cautious. do not lose yourself in confusion and frustration. breathe, clear your mind, and dig deep into yourself to find the way.

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